


Harriet the (Would-Be) Dragonslayer

by geri_chan



Category: Hamster Princess Series - Ursula Vernon
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geri_chan/pseuds/geri_chan
Summary: Harriet just wants to find an evil dragon to fight, so why do the dragons have complicate things by being...not so evil?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Harriet the (Would-Be) Dragonslayer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the_rck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/gifts).



> The story takes place during the beginning of the first book, shortly before Harriet confronts the Ogrecat of Olingsturm.

Harriet Hamsterbone was a busy princess. After all, she was more than halfway into her eleventh year, and fated to prick herself on a hamster wheel on her twelfth birthday and fall into an enchanted sleep for who knew how long. Until a prince kissed her, supposedly, but Harriet had little faith in either princes or her parents' ability to find one willing to kiss her. So she wanted to make the most of the time that she had left.

Most princesses would be depressed and melancholy about the situation, but Harriet pretty much sucked at being melancholy, as numerous tutors had complained. Actually, they were too fussy and proper to use the word "sucked," but that was clearly what they meant when they rolled their eyes and said, "Princess, can you please stop scowling and at least _pretend_ to look look a little melancholy? And stop stomping around! A princess should recline on the couch and sigh languidly."

That tutor had quit after Harriet had told him where he could shove his melancholy looks and languid sighs. (Hint: somewhere the sun doesn't shine.) She had no time to waste on such nonsense. If she couldn't change her fate, then she was going to pack as much adventuring as she could into the days left before her birthday. Who wanted to spend their precious time on deportment lessons when they could be cliff-diving or fighting Ogrecats and dragons?

As it turned out, beating up man-eating Ogrecats was very satisfying, but fighting dragons wasn't all it was cracked up to be. At best, the maidens that she rescued were grateful but a little bewildered...

"Thank you for saving me, but I was expecting someone a little more...well...male. I mean, a prince instead of a princess. Not that you weren't valiant and all! I've just never met a princess who fought dragons before."

And at worst, the so-called "helpless" maidens were not grateful at all.

"I was expecting someone...taller," the maiden said in a distinctly snotty manner.

"Yeah?" Harriet retorted. "I was expecting someone less ungrateful." She was tempted to leave the maiden in the dragon's lair but by that point, she felt that the dragon had been punished enough.

The next dragon that Harriet tracked down actually needed rescuing from the maiden.

"You have to help me!" the dragon pleaded. "She's eaten all the food in the house and she's touching all my stuff and she _won't leave!"_ He looked so small and helpless that Harriet felt guilty that she'd come here intending to pick a fight with him.

"It's cool," she assured the dragon. "I'll handle it."

And she did, dragging the maiden kicking and screaming from the dragon's lair. 

"You're ruining everything!" the maiden shrieked. "How else am I supposed to find a prince to marry unless I'm kidnapped by a dragon?"

"The dragon didn't kidnap you," Harriet snapped. "You moved into his lair without an invitation. As for princes, they're highly overrated in my opinion, but maybe you could try going to a masked ball instead of committing home invasion."

"Hmph, that place was a dump anyway," the maiden sniffed.

Thus it was with some skepticism as Harriet (on her trusty steed Mumfrey) set out to find a village that was rumored to be terrorized by a fire-breathing dragon.

"With my luck, it'll just be a lizard cooking dinner over a campfire," Harriet grumbled. "Is it asking too much for there to be an actual evil dragon that needs to be defeated? Preferably with no snotty ungrateful maidens being held captive."

"Qwerk," Mumfrey replied doubtfully, which in Quail meant, "One can always hope."

But Harriet's spirits rose as they passed by several scorched fields that were clearly not the result of a campfire that had gotten out of control. Then she felt a little guilty since the burnt fields were no doubt a big loss to the village. But she reasoned that she wasn't the one who had burnt the fields, and that she'd be doing the village a big favor by getting rid of the dragon.

Her good cheer thus restored, Harriet shouted, "Let's find us a dragon to smite, Mumfrey!"

"Qwerk!" Mumfrey agreed enthusiastically.

They found a crowd gathered in the village square anxiously discussing what to do about the dragon.

"At this rate, there won't be anything left to harvest!"

"But what can we do? It's not like we can fight a dragon with pitchforks and shovels."

A thin mouse wrung his hands anxiously and said, "Maybe we should offer it a maiden? Don't dragons like them?"

"Are you seriously suggesting that we offer up one of our daughters to become a dragon's dinner?!" shouted a more sturdy-looking female mouse. She brandished a pitchfork, looking like she wanted to stab something, though Harriet wasn't sure whether that something was the dragon or the thin mouse.

"Have no fear," Harriet said as she rode Mumfrey into the middle of the crowd, which parted to make way and stare at her in confusion. "I'm here to take care of your dragon problem! Also, dragons don't usually eat their captive maidens." She wasn't exactly sure why they kidnapped maidens, who mostly spent a lot of time either weeping or complaining, neither of which sounded very appealing to Harriet. Though to be fair, she wasn't a dragon.

"'Usually'? Doesn't that mean that sometimes they get eaten?"

"Well, no one here is getting eaten," Harriet replied, sidestepping the question. "Just tell me where to find the dragon, and I'll take care of it." She drew her sword and raised it dramatically in the air for emphasis.

"Er...excuse me, but who are you?" asked the thin mouse.

"I'm Harriet Hamsterbone," Harriet replied.

"Qwerk!"

"And this is my battle quail, Mumfrey," Harriet added. "Fighting dragons is one of our specialties."

"Harriet?" the mouse said, sounding slightly alarmed. "Crazy Princess Harriet Hamsterbone?"

"Qwerk," Mumfrey sighed, which was Quail for "I see your reputation precedes you."

Harriet opened her mouth to object to the "Crazy" qualifier, but before she could say anything, the female mouse exclaimed, "The Harriet Hamsterbone who fights Ogrecats? Maybe a crazy warrior princess is just what we need!"

"Thank you," Harriet said, feeling mostly flattered. "Although I'm not actually crazy, you know."

The mouse grinned and said, "Most people would say it's crazy for a hamster to take on a dragon or an Ogrecat, but I say you're my kind of crazy, Princess."

Harriet grinned back, saying, "Please just call me 'Harriet'." 

"Thank you for coming to our aid, Harriet," the mouse replied. "I'm Thistle, the mayor of this town. And I've got two daughters, neither of whom are going to be sacrificed to any dragons." She glared at the thin mouse, who cringed and shuffled back into the crowd.

"So tell me about this dragon," Harriet said.

"There have always been legends about a dragon living up in the hills," Thistle said. "But we always thought they were just that, legends, until a couple of weeks ago when it started flying around and burning up the fields."

"Hmm," said Harriet, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe it was in hibernation? They do that sometimes."

"Well then, it chose a most inconvenient time to wake up," Thistle complained. She paused and frowned for a moment, then continued, "But it is strange...the dragon seems to be attacking in an oddly haphazard manner."

"What do you mean?" Harriet asked.

"Fred's field was burnt to a crisp," Thistle replied.

"All my wheat turned to ashes," the thin mouse groaned.

"But Rosemary's field next door was left untouched," Thistle continued. "And my own corn field has a big patch burnt in the middle, but the rest of it is fine."

"It wasn't too bad," a little mouse girl piped up, peeking out from behind Thistle. "The burnt parts turned into popcorn!" 

"That is very strange," Harriet said. "The random burnings, that is, not the popcorn."

"It was delicious!" Thistle's second daughter chimed in.

"Qwerk qwerk," Mumfrey said, which was Quail for "I'm hungry and I'd love some popcorn."

"Dragon first, popcorn later," Harriet told him firmly.

"Qwerk," Mumfrey said grumpily, which didn't require translation.

"Can someone tell me how to find the dragon's lair?" Harriet asked, figuring the sooner they got started, the sooner they could get back. Mumfrey tended to get a little cranky when he was hungry, and Harriet wouldn't mind some popcorn herself.

"I'll take you there," Thistle said, and would not be dissuaded by Harriet's arguments that it would be too dangerous. "It's our village being attacked," she insisted. "It's kind of you to help us, but it wouldn't be right to send a stranger off alone to fight a dragon for us."

"But your children..." Harriet tried to argue.

However, Thistle's daughters didn't seem worried in the least. "You and Harriet go beat up that dragon, Momma!"

"Fine," Harriet sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "I admit I could use a guide, but let me do the fighting. I'm invincible thanks to a fairy curse, and as far as I know, you're not."

Mumfrey crouched down so that Thistle could climb up onto him behind Harriet. "Don't worry," she said. "I'm not really all that eager to fight a dragon." However, she did bring the pitchfork with her "just in case". 

Thistle guided them to the hills that lay beyond the village. They were tall enough to discourage the average rodent, but an easy enough climb compared to the mountain home of the last dragon that Harriet had fought. It was also easy to pinpoint the dragon's lair by the thin wisp of smoke drifting out of a cave on top of the tallest hill.

"Wait here," Harriet said, leaving Thistle at the bottom of the hill.

"Are you sure?" Thistle asked. "I know you're a dragon-slaying princess and all, but I feel bad sending a girl not much older than my daughters to fight my battles for me."

"I'll be fine," Harriet assured her. "I have a lot of experience fighting dragons, and the fairy curse makes me invincible, remember?"

"Isn't a curse usually a bad thing?" Thistle asked. 

"It's a long story," Harriet replied. "I'll explain later, but let me go take care of the dragon first."

Harriet and Mumfrey climbed up to the dragon's lair and cautiously peeked through the entrance. Their precautions turned out to be unnecessary since the dragon was sound asleep, wisps of smoke coming out of its nostrils as it snored.

The dragon was about twice as big as Mumfrey: large from a hamster's or quail's point of view, but not nearly as large as some of the other dragons Harriet had fought. It had silvery-gray scales and dark gray talons that were as long and sharp as daggers. A worthy foe, Harriet decided with satisfaction.

On one hand, it would be easier to launch a surprise attack while the dragon was sleeping, but on the other hand, that didn't seem very sporting, so Harriet drew her sword and shouted, "Awake, foul beast! I, Harriet Hamsterbone--"

"Qwerk!"

"..and Mumfrey the Battle Quail challenge you to single--er--double combat!"

The dragon raised its head, blinked sleepily, and said, "Eh...what?"

Without waiting for a further response, Mumfrey jumped on the dragon's back and began pecking it.

"What the--ow--stop that!" the dragon shouted, leaping to his feet. (At least, Harriet assumed it was a "he" by his deep voice.) He bucked and twisted his body, throwing off Mumfrey, who landed on the ground with a bounce and a "Qwerk!" (That meant "Ouch!" in Quail.)

"Leave Mumfrey alone, you big bully!" Harriet shouted, charging forward and swinging her sword at the dragon. 

His scales were as hard as armor and the blade bounced off them with a loud _clang_ , but the blow must have hurt because the dragon yelled, "Ow! Who's the bully? You're attacking me completely unprovoked! What did I ever do to you?"

"To me? Nothing," Harriet admitted. "But to the villagers of...er..." She paused, realizing that in her haste to find the dragon, she'd forgotten to ask the name of the village.

"Golden Harvest," Thistle helpfully supplied, poking her head through the cave's entrance.

"What part of 'wait here' did you not understand?" Harriet exclaimed in exasperation.

"I just wanted to make sure you didn't need any help," Thistle replied. 

"Will somebody please explain to me what's going on?!" the dragon shouted.

"You've been attacking the village and burning their crops!" Harriet shouted back. 

"Oh," the dragon said sheepishly. "This is all a big misunderstanding. I didn't mean to burn their crops."

"Oh, I suppose you set them on fire _accidentally_ ," Harriet said sarcastically.

"Actually, yes," the dragon replied. "I'd been hibernating for a couple of centuries, give or take a few years, and when I woke up, I thought I'd fly out to get some fresh air. But you see, I have terrible hay fever, and I just started to...ah...ah...ACHOOOO!"

The dragon let out a massive sneeze and jets of flame shot out of his nostrils. Harriet quickly jumped to the side, pulling Thistle with her. The fairy curse would prevent Harriet from getting burned up, but Thistle had no such protection.

"Sorry about that," the dragon sniffled, wiping his nose with a front paw and nearly stabbing himself in the nostril with one of his talons. Harriet hastily rummaged through one of the packs attached to Mumfrey's saddle and pulled out her spare cloak.

"Here you go," she said, offering it to the dragon, who took it and blew his nose on it with a loud _WHONK!_

"Thanks, that's much better," he said, and tried to hand her back the used cloak-handkerchief.

"Um...that's okay, you keep it," Harriet said politely. "I've got another."

"That's very kind of you," the dragon said.

Harriet sighed with regret that once again, she wasn't going to be able to fight an evil dragon. "Okay, I believe that burning the crops really was an accident."

"And just to be sure," Thistle added, "you don't eat young maidens? Or any other kind of people?"

"Goodness gracious, no!" the dragon exclaimed, looking genuinely horrified. "I'm not a young dragon anymore, you know. All that cholesterol is no good for my health. And besides, red meat gives me heartburn. I'm mostly vegetarian these days, although I do have a little fish every now and then."

"That's a relief," Thistle said. "I'm very glad that you don't want to eat us, and I'm sorry that you have allergies, but we'll starve in the winter if you keep sneezing on our fields."

"I feel terrible about that," the dragon said. "Excuse me just a moment." He headed deeper into his lair, then reemerged a few minutes later with a small sack that he handed to Thistle.

It was heavier than it looked, and she nearly dropped it. As she opened it, her eyes widened in surprise, and so did Harriet's as she peered over Thistle's shoulder and saw that it was filled with gold and silver coins.

"I hope that will be enough to compensate for the loss of your crops," the dragon said.

"Oh yes, more than enough!" Thistle said fervently. "That's very generous of you, Mister Dragon."

"My name is Silver Shimmerscale of the Iron Claw Clan," the dragon said. "But you can call me Silver."

"I'm Harriet, and this is Thistle, and that's Mumfrey," Harriet said, completing the round of introductions. "I'm glad we've cleared up the misunderstanding, but your allergies are still going to be a problem unless you never leave this cave."

"Well, I don't want to cause any trouble, but after two hundred years of slumber, I do need to go out and get some exercise," Silver said.

"Maybe we could get you some kind of allergy medication," Harriet suggested. "Does your village have a doctor, Thistle?"

"Not exactly, but we do have an apothecary," Thistle replied. "And she makes a very effective potion that helped with my daughters' allergies. She's never had to make one for a dragon before, but I'm sure that she'll try her best."

So they said goodbye to Silver, promising to return later with the allergy potion. He watched them make their way down the hill, waving goodbye with the sodden cloak-hanky.

"Qwerk," said Mumfrey, which was Quail for "He seems like a nice sort for a dragon."

***

The apothecary, Juniper, was a plump mouse who lived in a cozy little cottage surrounded by an herb garden. They found her inside the cottage, wearing a stained apron and stirring something in a cauldron that smelled sharp and herbal, but not unpleasant.

"Oh my, allergies," she said when they explained to her about the dragon. "I'd be happy to brew up my potion for him, but I don't have enough ingredients on hand for a dragon-sized dose. Could the two of you go out and gather some herbs for me?"

"I know I promised to help the village with the dragon, but this is not what I had in mind," Harriet grumbled to Mumfrey as she filled a basket with sneezewort from Juniper's garden.

"Qwerk," Mumfrey said sympathetically.

Eventually they gathered enough herbs, and Juniper brewed the potion in a jumbo-sized cauldron. After it cooled, they poured it into a keg, then loaded the keg up onto Mumfrey and made the trek back to Silver's lair.

"Qwerk," Mumfrey grumbled, which was Quail for "This is very heavy and there had better be some popcorn for me when this is all over."

"Will this really work?" Silver asked.

"Juniper thinks so, but there's only one way to find out for sure," Harriet replied.

"Down the hatch, then," Silver said, and chugged the keg of allergy potion in one gulp. He belched, letting out a small tongue of flame, but Harriet and Mumfrey had been careful to stand out of the line of fire.

"Not bad," said Silver. "It doesn't taste good, exactly, but it doesn't taste as terrible as most medicines do. Or maybe it's just dragon medicines that taste bad."

"No, I think medicine tasting bad is pretty much a universal thing," Harriet replied. "How do you feel?"

"Pretty good, actually," Silver said. "No sneezes coming on yet."

Harriet had thought it would be best to test the potion's efficacy on something other than the villagers' fields, and had come prepared. She pulled out a flower she had tucked into her pocket and cautiously waved it under Silver's nose, taking care to stand off to the side as she did so.

"That smells nice," Silver said, then exclaimed, "I didn't sneeze! I'm cured!"

He was so happy that he flew down to the village to thank Thistle and Juniper. The villagers were alarmed to see a dragon swooping down towards them--Fred fainted at the sight--but were quickly reassured that Silver was friendly and only there to thank them. The compensation he had paid for the damaged fields also helped to convince them of his peaceful intentions. 

"Let's have a feast to celebrate our new friendship!" Thistle declared, and everyone cheered. 

A short time later, Harriet and Mumfrey joined Silver and the villagers in feasting on roasted vegetables and hot buttered popcorn. 

"Having a friend who can breathe fire comes in pretty handy," Harriet said as she munched on some corn on the cob.

"Qwerk!" Mumfrey agreed happily between bites of popcorn.

***

They ended up staying overnight at the village since Mumfrey was too stuffed with popcorn to move faster than a slow waddle. Thistle offered to let Harriet sleep at her house, but it was a pleasant evening, so she opted to sleep outside with Mumfrey. She pulled a blanket over herself as she settled against his plump, feathered bulk. It was rather like having a living feather mattress with a built-in heater. 

"Good night, Mumfrey," Harriet yawned. "It's too bad the dragon wasn't evil, but I guess it all worked out for the best. Tomorrow we'll start looking for the Dreaded Ogrecat of Olingsturm."

"Qwerk," Mumfrey said sleepily, which was Quail for "Pleasant dreams, Harriet."

**Author's Note:**

> I got into this fandom last year when I saw it nominated for Yuletide, and decided to check out the books at the library. And I loved them! Harriet is awesome (I love her fondness for cliff-diving), and so is Mumfrey, and I also love the way that Harriet can apparently understand the various nuances of "Qwerk"! And I love the way that Ursula Vernon takes traditional fairy tales and twists them into something new and hilarious. 
> 
> I was re-reading the books for inspiration, and I really loved the brief mention of the helpless dragon who needed rescuing from the maiden, and that ended up turning into a story about Harriet being thwarted in her quest to find an evil dragon to fight. Poor Harriet ended up disappointed, but I had a blast writing about her adventure, and I hope that you had fun reading it.


End file.
